When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..