My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.