HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.