[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
You Might Also Like
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?