“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.