[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Seas the day!!!!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter