Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
just got my engagement photos
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.