My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
You Might Also Like
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.