“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
You Might Also Like
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
that colleague who touches your screen
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Just parrot things
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Catering service
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.