Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Good advice.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent