Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.