Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.