I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.