6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
this is the greatest thing ever
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.