A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter