Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey