Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]