[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself