– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night