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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY