Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?