ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
how to have fun when you’re poor
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
c’mon!
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.