Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.