“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
And bowling should be called pinball
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping