If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]