[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
no one likes gloating
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.