[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando