My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
You deplete me
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies