Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Coffee is ready.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate