*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
broke down and did it
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*