A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Well, this explains it:
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.