Twitter is an abusement park.
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.