I’m putting together a team
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
it was love at first sight
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish