Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You Might Also Like
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs