My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.