Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.