“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.