“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
medusa but her hair is an anaconda