‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?