My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Not even remotely sorry.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*