help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me buying fruit and veg
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Basketball
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?