[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.