Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
We’ve all been there…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.