I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
that wasn’t the question
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
had to make it
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!