Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.