My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I need to update my racial profile.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.