A leaf blower, but for people.
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[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
That’s fair
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s