her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
#Caturday
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear