I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m putting together a team
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing