Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?